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Finding the Strength Within

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Life is filled with the unexpected.  Rising to the challenge brings out the inner strength that we often had no idea we even had.  When my husband took his life a few months ago, I had absolutely no idea of the difficulties that would be before me.  I thought I would just have the emotional pain of the great loss I had suffered to deal with.  I had no idea of the financial downward spiral I would be in.  I had no idea of the survivor’s guilt that would plaque me.  I had no idea of the nightmares that would keep me awake every night…or the beautiful signs from above that life goes on…even after death.  I had no idea that I would feel like a completely different person due to my loss.  For the first time in my 33 year marriage I completely understood “the two shall become one”.  Since my husband has gone, I feel like a half a person walking around.  I feel like a part of me is missing.  I have an irreplaceable void inside of me.  I look at the sky a lot and wonder if he is looking down at me.  I want to see him, be with him.  For the first time, the thought of dying doesn’t seem scary to me, because I know I will see him again.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suicidal.  I love life too much.  But when the day comes that God calls me home, I won’t be scared or sad.  I’ll get to see my husband again.

Until that day, I move forward.  I’m trying to sell our home of 28 years.  It makes me sad to let it go.  There are so many memories there.  Most of my life was spent in that house.  I go there now and although it is empty, I still hear the laughter of the kids when they were little.  I can hear my husband laughing.  I can see our last day together so clearly.  We danced in the kitchen to Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock”…acting silly and laughing.  He made me lunch…a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with mayo and tomato.  He gave me a belated Christmas gift…a beautiful red sweater and a nightshirt.  We sat on the sofa and he lay down and put his head in my lap.  I gently rubbed the top of his balding head with my hands…something he always found very soothing.  Before I left, we hugged each other for a long time, and gave each other a kiss.  

You see, we were separated, and this spontaneous visit to see my husband was the last time we would ever spend together.  At the time I didn’t know that.  All I knew was that while I was out driving that day, I felt compelled to go by the house and see him.  I tried to fight the feeling, but it was so strong I thought I should pay attention.  I am so glad that I did.  It was our last time together and it was a happy time together.

Four months later, he took his life.  A part of me went with him, and I will never be the same.  I am finding an inner strength, however, that is new to me.  I am a survivor.  I always have been.  I will survive this, and life will be beautiful to me again someday.  Until then, I am taking life one day at a time….one moment at a time…


Written by cherylawilliams

November 13, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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