I Hate Bipolar Disorder

I hate bipolar disorder.  It is a toxic, cruel disease that steals life and happiness from those who suffer with it as well as their families.  The disease is a trickster.  One moment you’re dancing on cloud nine, and the next you are in a dark tunnel from which there seems to be no escape.  The disease tricks you into thinking you’re okay.  It tricks  you into thinking that  you are invincible, and that you don’t need medication.  It tricks you and then laughs behind the back of its victims as they suffer needlessly.

I hate bipolar disorder.  It killed my husband.  He was the sweetest, most loving person I know.  He had a heart that was huge, and he would help anyone out who needed it.  He truly would give you the shirt off of his back.  I’ve seen him do just that.  Still, the disease caused him so many problems in his life.  Because of it, he lost jobs, lost friendships, ostracized family members.  He was rejected by churches because of his unconventional behaviors.  People often thought he was weird.  He wasn’t weird.  He was sick.  He was bipolar.  Still, who wants to walk around with a label as a means of explaining away behavior?

My husband is gone, and I am will never touch him again.  I will never feel his warm loving arms around me again.  I will never hear his laugh again.  I will never walk alongside him again.  He is gone.  He took a part of me with him that I will never get back.  I wish that I could run to him right now, wrap my arms around him and just hold him close.  I would tell him how much I love him.  I would tell him I’m sorry if I ever hurt him.  I would tell him I forgive him for any wrong he ever committed against me.  I would just hold him.  I will never love anyone else the way I loved my husband.  I can’t imagine ever loving anyone again…and that’s fine.  One day I will see him again in Heaven.  His mood swings will be gone.  He will be happy and carefree…and that is all that I have ever wanted for him.

If anyone out there suffers from bipolar disorder, let me tell you this.  It is a disease.  It doesn’t mean you’re crazy.  It simply means you have a chemical imbalance and need medication.  Take it from someone who lived for 33 years with a bipolar husband….your disease is not your own.  It affects everyone around you.  It affects the ones you love the most.  It is your enemy and seeks to destroy your life.  DON’T LET IT.  You deserve to live a happy fulfilled life.  Show this toxic enemy that you are the stronger one.  Don’t let the bipolar disorder win.  You are worth more than that.